this morning i read the alchemist by paulo coelho from start to finish. the reason i bought it in the first place was because of this post, but i never got around to it, then for some reason early this morning i had a strange desire to start reading it— even though i have a list of things to get through today, it felt important that i take this time to relax and read, and im glad that i did. I wrote this post while reading, so it's weird and unorganized, but I didn't want to rewrite anything since these are the thoughts that flowed as I went. it made me wonder if i actually want to do the things i dream of or if like the crystal merchant I just want to dream about them.
"it's the thought of mecca that keeps me alive. that's what helps me face these days that are all the same... i'm afraid that if my dream is realized, i'll have no reason to go on living."
i should be a professional daydreamer because i'm obsessed with planning ideas. i have these grand dreams that are things i could actually do, but am i just content with dreaming about what i would do or do i plan to actually do them?
he goes on to say a few paragraphs later—
"you have been a real blessing to me. today, i understand something i didn't see before: every blessing ignored becomes a curse. i don't want anything else in life. but you are forcing me to look at wealth and at horizons i have never known. now that i have seen them, and now that i see how immense my possibilities are, i'm going to feel worse than i did before you arrived. because i know that things i should be able to accomplish, and i don't want to do so."
the boy goes on working for the merchant for 11 months and after he's helped him grow his business and saved up money to buy back his sheep (i'm leaving out many details) he approaches the merchant to ask for his blessing to leave and the merchant tells him..
"i am proud of you. you brought a new feeling into my crystal shop. but you know that i'm not going to go to mecca. just as you know that you're not going to buy your sheep."
that said... what dreams of mine am i trying to convince myself i want. like what do i really want and what am i trying to convince myself of that im really not going to do. ugh my brain. why must you think this way lol.
but then i started thinking is god saying something deeper like this is what you're trying to convince yourself that you want because it's good for society and a regular nice life, but you and me BOTH know that's not what you're gonna do. you won't be happy and im not going to allow it.
".. he was no longer happy with his decision. he had worked for an entire year to make a dream come true, and that dream, minute by minute, was becoming less important. maybe because that wasn't really his dream."
"when a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream."
i think that charlotte is my sheep. (ref. pg. 67) or better yet, maybe being a shepherd is being a graphic designer? "he still had some doubts about the decision he had made. but he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. when someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
"you must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his personal legend. if he abandons that pursuit it's because it wasn't true love.. the love that speaks the languages of the world."
"one is loved because one is loved. no reason is needed for loving." "I love you because the whole universe conspired to help me find you."
DAMN.
"My heart is a traitor... it doesn't want me to go on" "That makes sense, naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won." "well then why should i listen to my heart?" "because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world."
by the end of the story i'd definitely reconciled all the thoughts and questions above and think i should read this book at least once every year to check in on myself and see how same/different my thoughts are. I could go on and on or just retype the entire book here. haha. if you're like me you should definitely go read or reread this simple story. it will change the way you see life.
"When you possess great treasures within you, and try to tell others of them, seldom are you believed."
this morning i read 
